The problem lies in the fact that most partnerships, including monogamous ones, lack a written agreement that specifies rules like whether it’s appropriate to send an attractive colleague an email with a devil-face emoji or whether it’s appropriate to check your partner’s work emails. Relationship to relationship and even within a relationship, expectations of behavior differ. But in every situation, trust is essential. All of your efforts should be directed on restoring that trust if you wish to survive an affair. Not if that’s what you wish. Interestingly, none of the therapists and counselors I talk to believe the affair is deserving of the tabloid-headline attention it has received in this day of criticism. Accept accountability. Even with how awful your marriage was and how rejected you felt, it still doesn’t make breaking a pledge acceptable. Ask yourself, “I messed up.” With bravery. Accept accountability for your own healing. Learn to feel compassion for your partner. Tell your partner on a daily basis how much you appreciate their continued presence and how sorry you are for the hurt you have caused. One of the first and most crucial steps to getting over the betrayal is being able to express sadness over what your actions have cost your partner.
