Following the loss of a loved one, the majority of us find ourselves in survival mode. To handle the anguish of it all, we frequently descend into a state of shock. I could deliver my daughter’s eulogy even though I hadn’t come to terms with what had happened. Soon after, the first shock subsided and reality sank in. I had entered what the ancients referred to as “the dark night of the soul,” an unavoidably agonizing period of grief. More disturbing and depressing than anything we have ever encountered are the days, weeks, and months we spend trying to find the strength to go on after losing a cherished parent, grandparent, spouse, child, family member, or friend. Too frequently, those around us attempt to give us advice on how to handle grief in our grief-illiterate society. They do and say things that make us feel even more alone and heartbroken in an attempt to ease our pain, such as making inappropriate suggestions that make us feel even more heartbroken and alone, asking us questions that aren’t really questions, giving us unsolicited advice, and using religious and positive-thinking clichés. We start to clear the way forward by removing the foot of impatience, self-condemnation, criticism, judgment, fear, and pressure from our throats and holding the hand of patience, support, permission, encouragement, faith, trust, self-compassion, and humility on our hearts.
